“Help is the sunny side of control.”
— Brené Brown, Atlas of the Heart
This line hit me hard while I was listening to Atlas of the Heart on the MRT. It stopped me in my tracks—because I’ve been there. Maybe you have too.
I even wrote about it here:
👉 https://lnkd.in/giv6cv9A
It’s that moment when someone we love is struggling, and we jump in—not just to help, but to fix.
To assign blame.
To take over.
🚨 In systems thinking, we call this the “Fixes that Backfire” archetype.
We offer help that soothes our discomfort more than it serves the person in need. And instead of deepening connection, we unintentionally erode trust and safety.
💡 A real-world example?
Imagine a policy leader seeing failing schools and immediately imposing rigid testing.
“I see your pain. Here’s the villain (bad teachers). Here’s the fix (standardised tests).”
The outcome? Burnt-out educators. Crippled creativity. Fearful learners. A system in deeper distress.
🎯 When I heard that phrase—“Help is the sunny side of control”—two questions came to mind:
1️⃣ How can we offer help without taking control?
2️⃣ How do we catch ourselves when we slip into control disguised as care?
Then I remembered a powerful parenting practice my dear friend Philip Lim shared with me. It’s since become my compass. He calls it the 3Hs:
Do you need a Hug to comfort your fear?
Do you want me to Hear you to hold space, without judgment or fixing?
Do you need my Help with your permission to walk beside you?
💛 This is when help becomes love, not control.
When we return agency to those we care for.
And for that wisdom, I remain deeply grateful to Philip.
🔁 I’m curious…
When does your help become control?
When does it truly become help?
Share your reflections below, you never know who your story might set free.
🌱“Connection doesn’t exist without giving people space to be seen and heard.” — Brené Brown
Follow me for more insights: https://lnkd.in/g8aAURY9
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